I write a lot of things. I was even turned down by The New Yorker once, which was awesome. Here are some examples of what I like writing about.

Letting My Parents Know (Splitsider)

A Foolproof Plan for World Peace

This Place Sucks

I Can’t Believe They Benched Me: A Monologue By Space Shuttle Enterprise

I Want Instagram to Use My Pics for Ads — They’re Great!

Transcript of My ‘Lifetime Achievement Award in Judging Strangers’ Acceptance Speech

You’re the Sole Survivor at the End of the World. Do You Have What It Takes?

I’ve got the latest White House scandal right here

Ask a European Tourist in America

“C’mon, trust us.” -NYPD

Letters From the Past: Regarding the Dead Frenchmen Inside the Statue of Liberty

Quick Reaction: 10 Most Shocking Moments from Tuesday’s State of the Union

Guy Talk: Stay Cool This Summer!

The Best Damn Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide on the Internet

Thanksgiving “Comedy” With My Uncle Barry

A Very Serious Business Proposition for You

BREAKING: We Found the Pope’s Letter of Resignation

8 Reasons I’m Glad There Are No Expanded Gun Background Checks


I really enjoy writing and performing in sketches. Here is one that was written by my friend Rimma back at The PIT in my NYC days. I’m the mustache guy that comes in the scene a bit later.


I also used to do a bit of stand up. This was one of the first times I performed in front of a real audience. I mean, it was a bringer, but there were like a hundred people there. And only 90% of them were my coworkers and family. Just kidding, it was more like 20%, but still.

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