Geopolitics are all around us. The NFL playoffs are also all around us. So let’s combine these two very important topics and highlight connections between each team and their most similar international actors.
International Actor: ISIS
NFL Team: Carolina Panthers
Why: Upstart; savvy; have immense swagger; targets of unending racist remarks; appeal to young people; recent success is probably not sustainable; ranklers of the status quo.
International Actor: The Taliban
NFL Team: New England Patriots
Why: They’ve been good forrrevvvvverrrr. And they’re hated by 99% of the world but are somehow more powerful than ever and just won’t go away.
International Actor: USA
NFL Team: Houston Texans
Why: Led by a man whose name starts with Ob and has an overwhelming defense who is vicious but also obnoxious with their military posturing. Resides in a place that strongly identifies with guns and oil.
International Actor: Russia
NFL Team: Minnesota Vikings
Why: Most important player is a criminal who feels no remorse for the bad things he does.
International Actor: China
NFL Team: Seattle Seahawks
Why: Brash, loud defense that always stands by and backs up their claims. While having historically low wages, they are rising while maintaining incredible efficiency.
International Actor: North Korea
NFL Team: Arizona Cardinals
Why: Led by an evil genius coach that has a chip on his shoulder.
International Actor: United Kingdom
NFL Team: Denver Broncos
Why: Helmed by an old and frail person that people always fail to give the proper amount of respect to.
International Actor: India
NFL Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Why: You may be asking yourself, “did he only put the Bengals here because he knows nothing about the team but he very lazily connects these two entities because he knows that Bengal tigers are from India?” The answer is…yes.
International Actor: France
NFL Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Why: Have been around longer than most anyone else and are the archetype for many that have followed in their footsteps.
International Actor: Mexico
NFL Team: Green Bay Packers
Why: Are seemingly always in the championship discussion and therefore are seemingly always considered threatening by large segments of the population.
So, if you’re a football fan who knows nothing about international relations, now you’ll have something to talk about at the thing you’ll never be invited to. And if you’re an international relations nerd who knows nothing about football, now you’ll have something to talk about at the thing you’ll never be invited to. Have fun!