Joke time p. 300

The United States has removed Cuba from its list of state sponsors of terrorism – a move that eliminates a major obstacle toward restoring diplomatic ties. It also allows Cuba to conduct banking in the US, which is great news for Cuban citizens who are looking to get fucked over in brand new ways.

Joke time p. 299

A Brooklyn mom has started a successful service that makes keepsake jewelry out of baby teeth. And somehow this gets a pass while my adult tooth sunglass business was lambasted in the media as “tasteless” and “huh” and “you’re under arrest”?

Joke time p. 298

An NYPD Deputy Commissioner spent $60,000 to turn an unused room at Police HQ into a Zumba dance studio for cops to use. This lavish spending reportedly infuriated Commissioner Bill Bratton, who already teaches a few classes a week at the Zumba studio down the street.

Joke time p. 297

After claims by his daughters that two of his closest aides poisoned him, B.B. King’s death is being investigated as a possible homicide. Which is too bad for B.B., as getting murdered would make an excellent topic for a blues song.

Joke time p. 296

An iPhone 5C has saved a 25-year-old man’s life from a shotgun bullet. Big whoop. It has saved my life at every social event I have been to since 2013 by allowing me to pretend to be on the phone and not interact with anybody real.

Joke time p. 295

Reports say that GOP presidential hopeful Ted Cruz is doing a good job wooing Wall Street donors, by which I mean he is just yelling “Woooooo! Money! Wooooooo! All of the money!” to them and they seem to really like what he’s putting out there.

Joke time p. 294

An Indiana church is planning a pot-smoking worship service as a test of their state’s controversial religious freedom law. Because what better way to highlight the validity of a law than by using it to break another one?

Joke time p. 293

Olive Garden, long known for their unlimited breadsticks, will start experimenting with breadstick sandwiches. They say the breadsticks used for the sandwiches “will be a bit shorter and wider than the regular breadsticks,” so in other news, Olive Garden will continue to sell their normal bread sandwiches.