Joke time p. 292

In proposed plans for a new football stadium, the San Diego Chargers included the ability to shoot lightning in the stadium to celebrate touchdowns. Which is much better than Washington’s new plan to shoot some redskins after every touchdown.

Joke time p. 291

According to an anonymous insider, the BBC rehearses the death of 89-year-old Queen Elizabeth II at least once a year. Which is coincidentally the same schedule that I’ve been on as well.

Joke time p. 290

A first grader in Philadelphia was caught bringing 14 baggies of heroin to school with him. Someone needs to get this kid in advanced placement classes ASAP, as he’s already drugging at high school dropout levels!

Joke time p. 289

Students at North Dakota State University have elected a cat to a seat in their student government. Yet amazingly, somehow the cat’s opponent didn’t win, even with the excellent campaign slogan of “Elect me. I’m not a total pussy.”

Joke time p. 288

Two roommates in Oklahoma stabbed each other with broken beer bottles after a heated iPhone vs. Android debate. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s really nice when people show they’re passionate about something.

Joke time p. 287

A Michigan business owner is encouraging customers to bring guns into his diesel repair shop but says that he won’t do business with gays, saying he only wants to serve guys who have an irresistible urge to discharge the contents of phallic symbols, not actual phalluses.

Joke time p. 286

A large California water supplier has announced that it will cut summer deliveries to at least 19 million residents due to ongoing drought conditions, which is really only paving the way for cheap knockoff Chinese water to flood the market.

Joke time p. 285

A celebrity mountain lion in Los Angeles has crawled under a house and is not leaving, despite the California Department of Fish and Wildlife’s best efforts. Celebrity mountain lions – they’re just like us! They move into crawl spaces under stranger’s houses!

Joke time p. 284

150 years ago today, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. And in that fateful moment, history was changed forever, as people now had a legitimate excuse for not going to the theater.

Joke time p. 283

Deemed a security risk, Alyssa Milano had her breast milk confiscated at London’s Heathrow Airport. In related news, I’m assuming you can now buy Alyssa Milano’s breast milk somewhere in the dark recesses of the Internet.