Joke time p. 278

The Pittsburgh Pirates baseball team called the photo of ‘Jihadi John’ wearing their iconic hat “absolutely sickening.” Adding, “we’re confused as to why someone with sadistic tendencies would be drawn to an organization who named themselves after a group of people with sadistic tendencies.”

Joke time p. 277

Padge-Victoria Windslowe, known as “the Michelangelo of buttocks injections,” is currently on trial for killing a 20-year-old after a botched illegal medical procedure. The biggest thing learned by jurors this week? Her nickname isn’t in reference to the old master, but actually to the ninja turtle.

Joke time p. 275

A vial of Winston Churchill’s blood will soon be sold at a London auction house. Answering the age-old question about what to get the conservative vampire who already has everything.

Joke time p. 274

The federal government is currently hiring doctors to help monitor suspected smugglers’ bowel movements at major airports. Looking at poop all day? Working at an airport? And they said med school wouldn’t pay off!

Joke time p. 273

Overcome with emotion after her “Sound of Music” Oscars tribute, Lady Gaga posted a picture of herself collapsed on the floor. I, for one, think it’s nice to see a celeb actively trying to dispel the notion that Hollywood-types are ridiculously overdramatic.

Joke time p. 272

NFL star turned talk show host Michael Strahan has sold his home in Los Angeles for $21.5 million. According to property listings, it includes a 15-car garage between his front teeth.

Joke time p. 270

According to declassified files, the head of ISIS once worked as a secretary. Which I guess would be totally embarrassing except for the fact that the person in charge of the world’s most powerful military is currently a secretary.

Joke time p. 269

A 17-year-old in Florida has undergone the world’s first penis reduction surgery for a “massive phallus” that was “too large for intercourse.” Doctors are calling it the world’s most extreme case of peaking in high school.