Joke time p. 248

WWE superstar Mick Foley was ejected from a wing-eating contest after using his fanny pack to cheat. However, his deception was actually the second-worst decision he made that day, the first being putting on that fanny pack in the first place.

Joke time p. 247

Former soccer star David Beckham says that since retirement he has become “literally an Uber driver” for his four young children. So either David Beckham uses an app to charge his kids to drive them to school or David Beckham doesn’t know what “literally” and/or “being a Uber driver” actually mean.

Joke time p. 246

The Boy Scouts of America announced that they’ve settled a 2007 child molestation lawsuit brought against them, finally earning their lawyers that highly-coveted “Keeping Our Secrets Very Hidden” badge.

Joke time p. 245

A worker prepping a film lot in Taiwan for an upcoming Martin Scorsese movie was killed in a scaffolding accident. And being that “Someone must die on set before shooting begins” is the top item on Scorsese’s rider, production will now commence.

Joke time p. 244

A fugitive treasure hunter was arrested in Florida after more than two years in hiding. The most heart-breaking part? He never realized that this whole time he knew the whereabouts of the most coveted treasure of all: himself.

Joke time p. 243

After the tragic attacks in Paris, city officials are going to great lengths to reassure tourists of their safety. Oh sorry, I misspoke. It wasn’t reassuring tourists of their safety, it was reassuring tourists that they’re inferior because they’re not from Paris.

Joke time p. 241

Some of the most popular pieces of contraband in North Korea are soap operas that have been smuggled into the country. Well, they do have a conjoined twin with whom they have fighting with for decades, so I can see why they’d be drawn to the genre.

Joke time p. 240

The Army released a report today which said that Fort Hood lacked a system that could have anticipated last April’s deadly rampage. However, in order to change perceptions of shoddy security protocols, the report recommends they do change their name to Fort No Hood.