Joke time p. 211

Contrary to popular opinion, a researcher claims to have proven that President Obama is aging only as fast as the rest of us. Which is bullshit, because what’s the point of being president if you don’t get unlimited access to Air Force One’s anti-aging chamber?

Joke time p. 209

Over 750 people gathered in Israel to break the Guinness World Record for most dreidels spinning simultaneously as well as…zzzzz oh wait I’m sorry I fell asleep while trying to finish that joke.

Joke time p. 208

An Italian circus is in hot water after admitting to painting dogs to look like pandas to attract more visitors. In other words, dogs are so loyal that they will literally go in blackface just to help out their humans.

Joke time p. 207

Two planes that were taxiing on the runway at La Guardia Airport collided this morning. Another nearby plane that was Ubering promptly tweeted their condolences for “those poor souls who haven’t made the switch yet.”

Joke time p. 206

President Obama just signed into law a bill that prevents suspected Nazi war criminals from receiving Social Security benefits. Officially called the No Social Security for Nazis Act, the legislation will replace the existing law, the Social Security for Nazis Act.

Joke time p. 205

Cuban President Raul Castro said today that the US must respect Cuba’s communist system as the countries work toward normalizing relations. In response, President Obama said that Cuba must respect Jack In The Box’s new Spicy Sriracha Burger when it inevitably gets to Havana, because it’s “pretty damn hot.”

Joke time p. 203

Vermont has announced that they’re giving up on their single-payer health care system because of ballooning costs. Hey dummies: maybe stop spending all your money on hot air balloons???