Joke time p. 65

Struggling retailer Toys ‘R’ Us is reportedly taking “extreme measures” to prepare for the crucial holiday season. While many analysts expected bold moves, no one actually expected them to join ISIS.

Joke time p. 64

A 127-year old Mexican woman has just become the oldest living person in recorded history. And your co-worker Ron has just become the most middle-aged person in recorded history.  

Joke time p. 63

Actress Meryl Streep has just sold her Hollywood Hills home to baseball player Alex Rodriguez. And there’s already whispers among neighbors about how the house is looking [looks around to make sure no one is listening] a little bit bigger every day.

Joke time p. 62

In the wake of the Suge Knight shooting in Los Angeles, the NYPD’s “Hip-Hop Squad” is stepping up surveillance on its watch list of stars like Drake, Chris Brown an- oh my god shut up Macklemore no matter how hard you try you’re not going to make this list.

Joke time p. 61

Police in Seattle say a drunken man in a tuxedo fired a gunshot at a couple after they interrupted him having sex in an alley. Upon arrest, the dapper man apparently told police, “The name’s Bond. Bail Bond.”

Joke time p. 60

A woman in England has just discovered that 5,000 wasps were living in her spare bedroom. And in related news, a woman in New England has just re-discovered that 5,000 WASPs are around her at any given moment.

Joke time p. 59

A man who once played a villain in a James Bond film now makes his living building personal submarines for billionaires like Richard Branson. But in an effort to be more inclusive to the average person who doesn’t have a billion dollars, he also builds these personal submarines for mere millionaires.

Joke time p. 58

Golfer Tiger Woods has announced he is splitting with his coach, Sean Foley, after four years together. Foley will reportedly receive an undisclosed sum and get the clubs every other weekend.

Joke time p. 57

The earthquake that rattled the Bay Area over the weekend also rocked billions of dollars worth of Napa Valley wine, marking the first time your dad has ever cried in front of you.

Joke time p. 56

A Chinese chef who was preparing a dish made from cobra died after the snake bit him. In a blog post the next day, the cobra called it “an interesting dish, but one I couldn’t truly enjoy once I realized how much MSG was in there.”