Joke time p. 22

Donald Trump will reportedly sell his casinos if his bid to buy the Buffalo Bills football team is accepted. When asked about it, he said he’s just “looking for a whole new pool of employees to fire.” 

Joke time p. 21

Longtime Los Angeles Dodgers announcer Vin Scully will return for a record-breaking 66th season in the booth next year. For their part, the Dodgers have already started apologizing in advance to everyone for everything the 86-year-old will say.

Joke time p. 20

The singer Chubby Checker has settled a lawsuit with tech company HP after he accused them of using his trademarked name without permission on their penis-measuring app. The biggest surprise from the court proceedings? That HP actually stands for huge penis.

Joke time p. 19

The jihadist group ISIS has destroyed a 14th century mosque in Iraq. But in their defense, everyone knows the 14th century was, like, the shittiest century when it comes to Islamic architecture.

Joke time p. 18

The UN’s human rights chief has said that the downing of the Malaysia Airlines jet in Ukraine may be a war crime. This of course means that no punishment will happen to anyone who actually played a part in the aforementioned war crime.

Joke time p. 17

A man in China went to the doctor for stomach cramps and learned that they were actually period pains and that he was actually a woman. He reportedly said this was the most shocked he’d ever been – except for when he gave birth that one time.

Joke time p. 15

Audience members at a British comedy club weren’t laughing when hordes of maggots started falling from the ceiling during a show. Back up? Maggots are trying comedy now? God. Everyone’s jumping on the bandwagon.

Joke time p. 14

A picture of an iceberg in Canada has gone viral due to its striking resemblance to Batman. Beyond the obvious physical similarities, it’s even more of a crazy coincidence because the iceberg also lost its parents.