Ben Bradlee, the legendary editor of The Washington Post, died yesterday at the age of 93. He is survived by print newspapers, which honestly no one saw coming at all.
NBA veteran Amar’e Stoudemire says he’s very optimistic about the New York Knicks’ upcoming season, saying “I feel like I’m 19 again.” Which of course means he’s broke, late for class and very fucking confused about his sexuality.
New research suggests that the magnetic field could flip in our lifetime, resulting in the most existentially-fraught Opposite Day ever.
Nigeria was declared free of Ebola today after thousands of officials and volunteers helped end an outbreak of the virus that is still killing thousands in other parts of West Africa. The lesson here? Anytime anyone from Nigeria ever emails you and asks for help in doing anything, especially when it comes to money, just do it. They know what they’re doing.
The cruise ship carrying a hospital worker being monitored for Ebola docked in Galveston, Texas today after tests confirmed she did not have the virus. The local tourism bureau has taken this in stride however and already changed their official slogan to:
Galveston: Come for a weekend. Stay for a mandatory 21 days.
It’s come out that sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is requiring all employees – including sandwich makers and delivery drivers – to sign non-compete agreements, barring them from working for competitors for two years.
And in related news, Indian restaurants everywhere have been requiring all employees to sign naan-compete agreements, barring them from making any excuses in their quest to make the most perfect and delicious oven-baked flatbreads that they possibly can.
President Obama will appoint Ron Klain to manage the government’s response to the Ebola crisis. Klain was also the lead lawyer for Al Gore during the 2000 election recount, so rest assured that he knows how to move quickly and how to win important things.