In pursuit of a suspect in Brooklyn last week, six NYPD officers fired 84 shots at a man yet hit him only once. Proving correct the old adage “You miss 98.8% of the shots you do take.”
The unemployment rate in the United States has fallen to a seven year low of 5.1%, meaning that only 5.1% of Americans have yet to start driving for Uber.
The Supreme Court refused to allow a county clerk in Kentucky who objects to same-sex marriage on religious grounds to continue denying marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples. And in a surprising twist, the court further ruled that the clerk had to join all the same-sex marriages as a third spouse.
Hard-living golfer John Daly is recovering from a collapsed lung after collapsing on a golf course over the weekend. In related news, John Daly’s collapsed lung is recovering from a John Daly after being in his body for 49 years.
Some parents in Edmond, Oklahoma are unhappy about the inclusion of a zombie float in the city’s Independence Day parade. Also not happy about how things shook out? The former people who are now zombies.
A Turkish man has been extradited to the U.S. to face charges for three cyberattacks that resulted in $55 million in losses to the global financial system. He will most likely begin consulting for the FBI as part of a plea deal, which a cable network will probably base a very successful show off of… More Joke time p. 310
The lawyer who led an unsuccessful fight to block a California school district from teaching yoga – for promoting Hinduism and inhibiting Christianity – says no appeal is planned. Once again, the Hindus have proven themselves to be untouchable in modern-day America.
A cell tower on the roof of a Maine high school is undergoing tests after fish have started to inexplicably die in a science classroom. Authorities say the likelihood of an actual link is remote, and that it’s much more likely that “that weird Trevor kid is to blame.”
Middle-of-the-pack GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s team says that they’re now looking beyond Iowa and New Hampshire and towards a time when they have stable jobs with other employers.
A new book claims that cinematic legend Orson Welles, of Citizen Kane fame, edited a 1975 lesbian porn film to fund his final film. The book doesn’t say if the porn’s final line was “rosebutt” – but can we all just agree to tell people it was?