Joke time p. 279

Taco Bell is now serving deep-fried donut holes filled with milk icing in certain test markets. “Our team toiled for years to make beef incompatible with the human body. Milk is just the obvious next animal protein to make completely toxic to our insides. And we couldn’t be more thrilled about the challenge,” said CEO Tubs “Diabetes” McGee.

Joke time p. 278

The Pittsburgh Pirates baseball team called the photo of ‘Jihadi John’ wearing their iconic hat “absolutely sickening.” Adding, “we’re confused as to why someone with sadistic tendencies would be drawn to an organization who named themselves after a group of people with sadistic tendencies.”

Joke time p. 277

Padge-Victoria Windslowe, known as “the Michelangelo of buttocks injections,” is currently on trial for killing a 20-year-old after a botched illegal medical procedure. The biggest thing learned by jurors this week? Her nickname isn’t in reference to the old master, but actually to the ninja turtle.

Joke time p. 274

The federal government is currently hiring doctors to help monitor suspected smugglers’ bowel movements at major airports. Looking at poop all day? Working at an airport? And they said med school wouldn’t pay off!