Joke time p. 315

In pursuit of a suspect in Brooklyn last week, six NYPD officers fired 84 shots at a man yet hit him only once. Proving correct the old adage “You miss 98.8% of the shots you do take.”

Joke time p. 313

The Supreme Court refused to allow a county clerk in Kentucky who objects to same-sex marriage on religious grounds to continue denying marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples. And in a surprising twist, the court further ruled that the clerk had to join all the same-sex marriages as a third spouse.

Joke time p. 312

Hard-living golfer John Daly is recovering from a collapsed lung after collapsing on a golf course over the weekend. In related news, John Daly’s collapsed lung is recovering from a John Daly after being in his body for 49 years.

Joke time p. 311

Some parents in Edmond, Oklahoma are unhappy about the inclusion of a zombie float in the city’s Independence Day parade. Also not happy about how things shook out? The former people who are now zombies.

Joke time p. 310

A Turkish man has been extradited to the U.S. to face charges for three cyberattacks that resulted in $55 million in losses to the global financial system. He will most likely begin consulting for the FBI as part of a plea deal, which a cable network will probably base a very successful show off of… More Joke time p. 310

Joke time p. 309

The lawyer who led an unsuccessful fight to block a California school district from teaching yoga –¬†for promoting Hinduism and inhibiting Christianity¬†– says no appeal is planned. Once again, the Hindus have proven themselves to be untouchable in modern-day America.

Joke time p. 308

A cell tower on the roof of a Maine high school is undergoing tests after fish have started to inexplicably die in a science classroom. Authorities say the likelihood of an actual link is remote, and that it’s much more likely that “that weird Trevor kid is to blame.”

Joke time p. 307

Middle-of-the-pack GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s team says that they’re now looking beyond Iowa and New Hampshire and towards a time when they have stable jobs with other employers.

Joke time p. 306

A new book claims that cinematic legend Orson Welles, of Citizen Kane fame, edited a 1975 lesbian porn film to fund his final film. The book doesn’t say if the porn’s final line was “rosebutt” – but can we all just agree to tell people it was?