Joke time p. 129

Nigeria was declared free of Ebola today after thousands of officials and volunteers helped end an outbreak of the virus that is still killing thousands in other parts of West Africa. The lesson here? Anytime anyone from Nigeria ever emails you and asks for help in doing anything, especially when it comes to money, just do it. They know what they’re doing.

Joke time p. 128

The cruise ship carrying a hospital worker being monitored for Ebola docked in Galveston, Texas today after tests confirmed she did not have the virus. The local tourism bureau has taken this in stride however and already changed their official slogan to:

Galveston: Come for a weekend. Stay for a mandatory 21 days.

Joke time p. 127

It’s come out that sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is requiring all employees – including sandwich makers and delivery drivers – to sign non-compete agreements, barring them from working for competitors for two years.

And in related news, Indian restaurants everywhere have been requiring all employees to sign naan-compete agreements, barring them from making any excuses in their quest to make the most perfect and delicious oven-baked flatbreads that they possibly can.